Helpful Ways to Cope with Infertility
Over the many years I struggled to become a mom, I unintentionally became a seasoned veteran with the world of infertility. IUI and IVF were household acronyms and unfortunately dealing with pregnancy loss was something I was no stranger to. Thanks to our amazing followers, the support and emails I received shortly after posting about my Fertility Journeys Part One and Part Two, I decided that there were a number of questions that I still needed to address in regards to my experiences. One question in particular really resonated with me therefore have dedicated this entire post to it (thank you)."I wanted to ask Shawna if she had any specific tips or suggestions for coping through infertility treatments. Maybe something that she did through treatments or perhaps didn’t do, ha! Any creative suggestions or approaches? Would love to hear about this!"Infertility is an emotional roller coaster ride. Once I got married and especially when I hit my 30's, the natural urge to procreate set in so when it wasn't "happening" the way we thought it would, it naturally created a tremendous pressure on us individually and as a couple. Naturally the stress left us feeling shame, guilt, anxiety, depression and anger – we were carrying infertility "baggage" with us on a daily basis. Emotions hit another level when deciding to undergo fertility procedures like IUI and IVF. Ready for this?During an average IVF cycle I went from being optimistic, hopeful and excited pre-transfer – to scared, paranoid and stressed out during the dreaded TWW (Two Week Wait) – then feelings of happiness, excitement, and even at times relief when I found out that my blood test results were HCG positive. Then on most occasions my emotions took a complete dive once I found out that I had lost the pregnancy. Sadness, loss, depression and embarrassment are just a handful of the emotions I experienced during a miscarriage, not to mention the physical pain on top of it all.
2/1/17 - Lorna Jane activewear photoshoot exactly 1 week after my final IVF cycle. This photo was taken during the TWW between my transfer and blood test.
3/1/17 - This photo was taken a few days after my final miscarriage last year,we almost cancelled the photoshoot. Looking at this makes me so sad becauseI remember how hard it was to pull myself together and get through it.
Things that helped me
All in all, I went through 2 IUI treatments and 5 rounds of IVF with 1 successful pregnancy and 5 losses. None of my friends or family members had ever dealt with infertility which made me feel even more isolated then I already did. Leading up to my procedures I relied heavily on the nurses and doctors at my office for support and guidance throughout the process. When that wasn't enough, I joined a few online community support boards filled with other women going through the same thing that I was. We could update each other with daily progress, compare symptoms and ultimately help support each other through the process through our pregnancy test results. The women I met on these support boards provided the empathetic factor I had been craving.The link to join a BabyCenter Group in HERE.I also used What to Expect forums HERE.Although none of our friends and family members had experienced infertility, we tried to remain as open as we could with the people we felt closest to about our journey. This wasn't always easy since most of them were uninformed about the subject. The most important thing that needed them to understand was that due to our circumstances, certain remarks could feel insensitive to us (even if they're unintentional). It was also helpful to communicate how we wanted to be treated. For instance, for me personally, discussing my infertility struggle was something that I wanted to bring up on my own and not be asked constantly about. Or feeling like I could express how attending a baby shower could be a difficult task for me at that given time. Bottom line: It was our job to keep them informed so that they could act and react appropriately.I understood that talking about the subject was something that I needed to do, even when it didn't always feel like it was something I wanted to do. Communication with my husband was something I relied on to get me through our journey. We knew going into it that infertility had been known to take a toll on marriages and could create tension between couples. That (thank god) was not the case for us. Brett stood by my side, was with me at every appointment and shared the same ups and downs that I did. Even though it wasn't directly happening to him, it was comforting knowing that we could speak the same infertility language, the process tightened our bond.Finding ways to destress was always something that really helped me, especially during that horrible TWW (Two Week Wait) between the IVF or IUI transfer and my blood test. I tried fertility acupuncture for some cycles, I also listened to peaceful music (spa channel) before, during and after my transfers. On transfer days I always workout before my scheduled appointment to ease my mind and body, then post transfer I would usually try to remaining laying down the rest of the day. However, the days following the transfer I would try to stay busy as possible (not physically demanding) to keep my mind off the procedure. I always stayed away from massages, nail and hair appointments during that time. If possible, we would try to not schedule an outing with anyone we didn't feel comfortable telling about what we were going through to prevent anything uncomfortable in those vital weeks.
10/6/16 - Girls trip to Napa following my 4th round of failed IVF (loss)
3/18/17 - Onzie Yoga photoshoot/girls trip to Scottsdale almost 3 weeks after my final miscarriage
Coping with pregnancy loss
Despite all of the support I was receiving from other women on the online community boards, pregnancy loss was something I was having to cope with on my own time in the weeks following my shared BFP (Big Fat Positive) test results. Sure my husband was experiencing similar emotions going through the process with me but NO ONE could even begin to understand how it actually felt unless they had gone through it themselves. Overtime, I unknowingly developed my own version of coping that seemed to worked for me time and time again.The days following a miscarriage was my time to grieve, to cry and to be angry. Pregnancy loss was so physically and mentally exhausting, however it was important for me to go through that because it was part of the process. Although, at the same time it was just as important for me to know when to pull myself out of it. I usually focused on getting myself back to my "old self" since the fertility drugs and treatments plus a few weeks of being pregnant had caused me to change my entire lifestyle. I tried my hardest to keep things positive, recognizing how good I felt being off all of the hormones, injections and fertility drugs. Getting myself quickly back into my old routine helped a ton. Doing the workouts that I enjoyed so much (since I hadn't been able to do anything physical in a month) and scheduling a sushi date night always brought my spirits up in the weeks following.That doesn't mean I wasn't depressed. Brett and I would talk about the cycle, what had happened that particular time and always try and make sense of it... when it almost never made any sense. He was who I talked to and who I grieved with. We tried to only tell select few of our closest family and friends each time we went in for another round of IVF mainly for this reason. Informing people of our loss was just as painful as learning about it myself. It was like reliving it over and over again when all I wanted to do was not think about it. The pain I experienced with a miscarriage was so horrible, the only thing that helped in those weeks following was to not talk about it. It's not like I was ignoring it because I thought about it everyday, when I drove, in the shower, on my runs. For some reason talking about it was difficult, I wanted to be left alone. Another thing that helped me tremendously was taking a long, much needed break from IVF. Each time I experienced a loss I took 2-3 months off to get myself healthy again. I needed that time to get my mind off of fertility for awhile and be excited about doing another cycle.Another thing that helped me so much in the month following was planning a small getaway with my girlfriends. It gave me something to mentally focus on other than the miscarriage and it gave me something to look forward to. Although none of my girlfriends had dealt with infertility they lived the process with me and when I needed them, they would drop everything and make it happen. These girls trips and my friendships were the breath of fresh air that I needed, I could mentally escape for a few days and always came home feeling more myself again.
4/26/18 - My favorite photo ♥ 21 weeks pregnant with my 2nd pregnancy
These aren't easy posts for me to write because I have to relive some of the hardest times in my life, but at the same time they are so therapeutic for me and my still ongoing healing process. Each time I share something about my infertility journey I'm doing so in hopes to help other women going through the same thing. As overwhelming as your situation may seem at times, I'm living proof that there are ways reduce your anxiety and get yourself through the emotional roller coaster that comes with infertility.Again, thank you so much for reading about my journey ♥Xo, Shawna
More information about infertility community boards:
There is a secret "infertility language" full of abbreviations and acronym that you must learn to be able to understand what is being said on these community boards. I found a comprehensive cheat sheet that worked well for me HERE.