My Fertility Journey | Part Two

Life was good. Being parents for the first time felt so natural to the both Brett and I, we were loving every minute of it.  Brock's 1st Birthday was approaching. Not only was this a huge milestone for him, we felt like it was one for us as well, an event worth celebrating.  We went all out and threw him a Brown Bear themed party (Brock's favorite book) with all of our friends and family. But since the new year had recently passed, we couldn't help but start planning for our future and we were itching for baby #2.

Brock's 1st Birthday (post smash cake)

We made an appointment to meet with our IVF fertility clinic to discuss starting the process. Our doctor explained that she felt very confident going into another transfer with us and the proof was our son Brock (Part One HERE). We had 7 more high quality frozen embryos and the Lovenox injections that I had taken my entire pregnancy seemed to be the missing piece. We got pregnant with IVF but more importantly I maintained a successful pregnancy. Together, we had discovered the magic formula! Despite the fact that we had to do IVF again, Brett and I were also feeling positive about our chances of having another child. First step was picking up my frozen embryos and driving them to my fertility clinic, talk about a stressful drive!

Liquid nitrogen tank with my frozen embryos in my car

2016

We started our first round on May 11th when I began my medications for a June 15th transfer. I also began the Lovenox injections after we transferred 2 frozen embryos that day. I continued to follow the exact same protocol that I had with my transfer with Brock.  6 days later, my at home pregnancy tests were beginning to show positive signs and the HCG numbers at my first blood test were high. Everything was right on track. My doctor had instructed me to stay on all my medications and they would retest me again in 4 days to see if they HCG number was increasing like it should (HCG should double every 2 days). To say I was surprised by something to do with my fertility journey was a bit of a stretch at this point... but I vividly remember how shockingly devastating the call was from my doctor with my 2nd blood test results. They told me that my HCG number was not increasing as much as they would like to see. The nurse warned me that I was having a biochemical pregnancy before I even knew I was. My period came 2 days after the call. My confidence took a huge hit that day and never recovered. I did like I always did though, put on a brave face and moved forward. I also squeezed my son a little tighter that day.When you loose a pregnancy you have to give yourself 2 months (cycles) to let you body fully recover from the experience. We planned our next frozen transfer (also 2 embryos) for mid September and per usual, I began medications early August. Despite my history, I was feeling pretty good going into this transfer. I had gotten pregnant with Brock on my 2nd IVF transfer, following a biochemical pregnancy using Lovenox injections. Most people don't have back to back chemical pregnancies. We went away for one last hurrah and celebrated my best friends wedding and upon returning home, it was back to business with a transfer 2 days later on September 13th.  Yet again, my IVF transfer was successful and I was testing positive at home, however by this time I knew the only thing that mattered was both blood test results. My first blood test was a Tuesday and when they called me with the results that afternoon, I received a happy congratulatory message with strong HCG results and within a few hours... HOURS later, I started bleeding out of nowhere. It was late and the office was closed for the day but I was able to talk to the doctor on call who told me that some bleeding was common because of all the hormones I was taking and to stay on all of my medications until they re-tested me in 2 days.  As much as I wanted to believe her and stay hopeful, I knew my body and unfortunately I was very familiar with this outcome, it just didn't feel right. I don't know how I got through the next two days, I was very uncomfortable taking my countless medications when I didn't feel pregnant anymore. Thursday came and my 2nd blood test results were in, I got the call when I was at school with son Thursday afternoon and they informed me that the number had dropped and I was again, loosing the pregnancy. I tried to remain calm and keep it together in front of all the other moms at preschool that day but I couldn't, I needed to be alone and I needed to cry.The strangest thing about pregnancy loss is that I would be pregnant for a few weeks and then in the matter of an instance I wasn't. It's like it never existed, like it didn't happen. One day I was in full pregnancy mode, giving myself injections, no physical activity or lifting, no drinking, no raw foods etc... and the next I was back to my normal self. The physical toll was very difficult. The emotional toll was overwhelming. I have done my fair share of would of, could of, should of's and each passing "due date" got harder and harder on me. I have never been a collector or had hoarding tendencies but I keep every single positive pregnancy test from each transfer as a reminder. I couldn't toss them away, it was proof to myself that the pregnancy was real and it had happened. If it wasn't not hard enough to get my life back on track each time I lost a pregnancy, my doctor needed me to come in for a follow up blood test 2 weeks after a loss to make sure my HCG number was back to zero. I dreaded this. By then, a good amount of time had passed and I was usually feeling better about what had happened, so as you could imagine going back to the clinic was always such a painful reminder that I wasn't pregnant anymore. Like a punch to the stomach when already trying to catch your breath. 

Our Final Chance

Exactly one year after we had met with our IVF fertility clinic to start planning for baby #2, we had scheduled our 3rd IVF transfer  post Brock. The pressure was on, we only had 3 frozen embryos remaining. Given our experience and having endured 3 biochemical pregnancies, we made a plan with our doctor to change things up this time.

1. We added 2 rounds of Intralipid Infusion. A dietary supplement which is used for MS patients, cancer patients undergoing chemotherapy and also in my case, women who are undergoing infertility treatments such as IVF who have immune disorders. Its a highly calorific mixture of natural fats containing egg yolk and soya oil. Some doctors think natural killer (NK) cells in the body attack embryos and that intralipids stop that happening so I was a great candidate because I had experienced repeated miscarriages. A typical course of IVF intralipid treatment is two infusions for 2 hours each time: the first one was 7 days before my scheduled transfer day and the second was 10 days post transfer.
2. We decided to have our chromosomes tested. After careful consideration, we thought the smartest thing to do was to make sure we were giving ourselves a fair chance by testing the final 3 embryos to make sure they were healthy before we transferred them. It's called Preimplantation Genetic Screening (PGS) and the process involves thawing the remaining embryos and having them tested within the day of the transfer. In addition to genetic screening results, we were also able to find out the sex of each chromosome and if they tested normal, choose which sex to transfer. On transfer morning, I had just finished a run at Torrey Pines when I got the call. All chromosomes were normal! I was SO relieved. We had also requested that if I had any female embryos that we wanted to transfer at least one... we were still up in the air about transferring 2 or 3 embryos later that day. They told me that all 3 of my remaining embryos were male. It was a little strange knowing the sex of your possible child before you were even pregnant but in all honesty, I was fine. I had been through so much at this point, I just wanted to have another child more than anything.
3. The last thing we did differently with this transfer was Lupron injections. We added another medication to my pre transfer regiment in hopes to increase my chances this time. Lupron is a drug that was administered to help with a women's uterine lining and I used it with my transfer and successful pregnancy with Brock. Although some doctors don't think it helps with success rates, we were desperate and decided to add it back into the medication lineup this time.

My First Intralipid Infusion

It was January 25th, my final transfer day. The lab was alerted that we had arrived for the transfer and I was very nervous. The doctor came in to greet Brett and I and shared some unexpected bad news with us. Post thaw, one of our frozen embryos wasn't progressing like the other two, however we could still transfer the embryo if we wished. She also talked to me about the risk factors when transferring 3 embryos. We were no strangers to risks at this point, every procedure prior to this we had transferred 2 embryos knowing that we could get pregnant with twins. However, transferring 3 embryos leaves a very high likelihood for multiples, including triplets. Brett and I needed to discuss this unexpected news in private and soon after we informed our doctor that we wanted to transfer the two highest quality male embryos that day. Not long after our decision was made, we found out that the 3rd embryo didn't make it through the thaw. Hearing that I had lost an embryo before I had even started was horrible news. But like I had so many times before I needed to pull it together, I knew that I must stay positive and mentally focused for my transfer.Post IVF transfer, I started testing at home around day 6 just as I always did and the line was dark. Darker then they had been in the past on day 6 which meant my HCG level was high. The results were also back from my first blood test and my doctor personally called to tell me that she had reviewed the number and it was very high, she continued to tell me that in her experience with numbers like this, her patients were carrying twins, but of course it was too early to tell. Two days later I went in for my 2nd round of Intralipid Infusion and followed up the appointment with a blood test on Feb 8th. They called me later that day with the results and the HCG number had jumped... huge. In all of my IVF transfer experience, I had never had a second blood test number that was so high. Although early, I couldn't help but not only be excited about how strong the pregnancy was looking, I could also be having twins. The next step was the dreaded two week wait for my first ultrasound at 7 weeks.We had strategically planned a trip to go skiing in Utah during the waiting period. When we booked it we knew that one of two things would be happening. I would be busy skiing to get my mind off of things because I would have had another biochemical pregnancy or I would be happily relaxing at Brett's parents ski house knowing that I was pregnant. We had so much experience with this process we thought we could plan ahead to anticipate our two outcomes, but neither of those things happened. It's was Valentines Day, I was still in my 5th week and I began lightly spotting, not bleeding (I definitely knew the difference at this point) and spotting is the most typical side effect from my medications. I was instructed to start 24 hour bed rest. The remainder of that 10 day trip was an emotional nightmare for me. Not only was I having to go through something so traumatic away from home, I was having to go through it in front of my parents-in-law. The light spotting continued while in Utah and I had to remain on all of medications. The morning after we got back to San Diego we had our 7 week ultrasound. I was very skeptical given the spotting I had encountered but to our surprise we received great news that day. We were almost 1 month post IVF transfer and there was a heartbeat, 1 heartbeat!  I had made past dreaded week 5 and the only other time this had happened was with my successful pregnancy with Brock.  I had let my guard down, I was pregnant and we were so excited. I have a video of this exciting ultrasound but decided not to share it with you, this is why...It's all kind of a blur but somewhere between weeks 7 and 8 I had a miscarriage and lost the final pregnancy. When you go through something this painful you almost go blank. I don't have any notes in my phone about what day it happened, I can't even remember where I was or what I was doing to be able to share with you. My final appointment isn't in my calendar either, honestly I think it all happened so fast I didn't have time to document it. All I remember was that I was in a lot of pain and went into the doctors office immediately for an ultrasound and we were told that there was no heartbeat. 

Coping

This loss was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my entire life. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want to see anyone, I just wanted to be alone. I was numb. Not only was I dealing with another loss, this time I had mentally let myself become vulnerable because of how far along I had gotten into the pregnancy. I was also dealing with the fact that I may not ever become a mom again, that was beyond excruciating. I was grieving the loss but at the same time I was feeling disappointed and ashamed at my duty as a women, I had let my family down. As many times as I played it over and over in my head, I couldn't wrap my head around how my pregnancy was there one second... and gone the next. But worst of all, there was never any explanation to why.The healing process was long. In the weeks following, the only thing that helped me get through the day was not talking about it. I knew how strong I was, I had demonstrated it time and time again but this miscarriage broke me. I couldn't help but look at life differently after this happened, petty things no longer seemed to matter. I knew what was really important in life and I had no time or interest in anything trivial.Two weeks later we met with my doctor to discuss what had happened. She gave me news that I wasn't expecting to hear that day, but at the same time, I wasn't surprised to hear it. My IVF doctor told me that she didn't feel comfortable moving forward with anymore IVF transfers with me as the carrier. We had proved that Brett could produce viable sperm, I made great eggs and our chromosomes were normal... but I had lost 5 pregnancies. She also told us that each time you have a miscarriage and aren't able to recover from it, you're body starts to think thats what it's supposed to do. I had just experienced my 3rd consecutive loss so my odds were not looking good. At this point it was clear that the problem was me, my "oven" was defective and they still couldn't figure out why. She recommended 3 things moving forward. First, she reminded us how lucky we were that we were able to have our son and that sometimes couples never get that chance to have one. She then explained that we would be good candidates for surrogacy since I (the carrier) was the issue and our odds were better if we had someone else could carry our embryos, however the cost for surrogacy was around $100K. The last option she discussed was adoption. We didn't have to make a decision that day or anytime soon for that matter, she just wanted to be realistic with us about what we were looking at. 

The Conclusion

We took some time to heal from our experience with IVF. In one regard we were so thankful for it because we wouldn't' have been able to have our son without it. But on the other hand, it had chewed us up and spit us out.We started becoming very comfortable with the idea of our little family of 3. We never intended for Brock to be an only child but maybe it was our path. He was absolutely amazing and we felt so blessed to have him in our lives. It took many months but we were finally at peace with our decision, I was at peace with being "done" and I was proud of us for getting to a good place mentally despite the rollercoaster we had been through.The most ironic thing about this story is that as I'm writing this,  I am 4 months pregnant. I didn't do IVF and I don't have a surrogate. After I was told that I would never carry a child again, I stopped tracking my cycles, it was honestly the last thing on my mind. This past December came and went and I knew that I was supposed to get a period but still hadn't. Again, given my history it was the last thing on my mind. It was Thursday night, our family was driving to dinner and the restaurant is close to a Target store so I asked Brett to pull over. I bought a pregnancy test and took it in the Target bathroom (I know, really classy).  Shock was an understatement, the test was POSITIVE. I went into my OBGYN office first thing the next morning for a blood test. That afternoon they called me, my HCG results were positive and they asked me to come back in the following Monday for an ultrasound to figure out what was going on and how far along I was. Remember that blank feeling I was talking about earlier? That ultrasound appointment is still a bit of a blur to me. The technician told us "there is the heartbeat" so nonchalantly and my jaw dropped. I was informed that I was 6 weeks and 4 days pregnant.

First Ultrasound 

12 Week Ultrasound

Everything about this pregnancy has been nothing short of amazing. I got pregnant naturally. I didn't have to take one medication. I'm not on Lovenox injections. I have been able to stay active; I'm still running weekly and taking sculpt yoga classes. I can lift my son. Overall, I feel great (besides the morning sickness that finally went away around week 11) I am enjoying this experience and am so much more relaxed this time around. It's been such a blessing to be able to experience pregnancy the right way.  If I didn't before... I absolutely believe in miracles now and the proof is growing in my belly.One of the reasons I wanted to start a blog was to share my struggles with infertility, but our process was still ongoing until recently. I’m sharing my journey now to give other women out there struggling to become a mom hope and to let them know that they’re not alone, even though you may feel like you are. I hate that we had to go through everything that we had to go through. But even I couldn't think of a better ending. Our story has a lot of hope and that's what's important. Despite the countless obstacles and challenges we have had to deal with, we got here and it was all worth it.Want to know what were having? Our Gender Reveal is here.Thank you for reading my entire story. The support and emails from other women going through infertility have touched my heart and made me feel so happy that I finally found the courage to share mine. Again, if anyone feels comfortable enough to share their fertility journey with me, I would be honored to hear from you ♥  You can email me at shawna@peacelovestyle.comXo,Shawna