Preschooler Behavior: Tips & Tricks
We're officially graduating from toddlerhood this week! Brock, our first born is turning four years old. I often find myself scrolling through my phone watching videos of him from when he was a baby. I miss that time, it went by too fast. The many milestones of the first few years of life. His first laugh, learning to sit up, crawl and then walk on his own. Watching Brock's personality develop quickly while also building one of the strongest bonds with a person that I've ever had. Being a mom is my favoite relationship and I owe that all to Brock.
Then there are those moments, days and phases that have dragged on longer than I would have liked. When parenting has tested every single fiber of me, my patience and my sanity. When Brock turned two, we had anticipated a big shift in his behavior. However, all the terrible things I had heard never really happened and I remember thinking for a moment that we had lucked out with our kid and gotten through it. Haha, then he turned three.
Three has been the year of development. His communication, in particular his grammer and language have improved drastically. He's always thinking, learning and problem solving. Brett and I are constantly blown away by him. However, three was also the year of emotions. Holy shit. This is where the term "threenager" was coined if I had to guess. In a moments notice Brock will go from being sweet and happy to a loud, snotty, flalying arms, laying on the floor meltdown.
As parents, we have been lucky enough to have professional resources available to us these first four years of Brocks life. Seriously though, how are you supposed to know how to be awesome parents if you don't have experience with children?
One thing we have learned is that each phase has it's ups and downs and sometimes the only thing we can control is how we handle each situation. Us mommys and daddy's set the tone and we choose happiness. The sooner we realized this, the better. Now, from parent to parent we're sharing our book of notes with you.
Emotions
This was the year of feelings. Brock started to understand his feelings although, he didn't have much control over them. One minute he's laughing hysterically, the next he's in tears. When he wants something he wants it now, there is little to no patience.
Therefore, solving conflicts with his peers can become physical at times. Three year olds simply don't understand the difference between appropriate and inappropriate interactions yet. It's our job to teach him that there are right and wrong ways to express emotions and resolve problems with others.
One thing we've been working on with Brock is recognizing our feelings and expressing them through words. When he's upset, we ask him to describe how he is feeling. When he is rough with his sister, we explain how his actions have affected her. We are constantly talking to him about how it makes Brett and I feel when he does things.
For example, we will reward him with an extra book at bedtime or alone time with mommy when he practices good behavior. We only offer rewards when we know we can follow through.
On the occasions that Brock has had a bad day at school (for example), we discuss his actions, how to handle that next time and tell him that how it makes us feel. Brock does not like to disappoint us. I believe this approach has been more and more effective the older he has gotten.
Transitions
Transition warnings have been very effective for Brock. Since he was a newborn, we have had him on a schedule and the older he's gotten, we understand that he thrives in that kind of an environment. Brock likes to be in the know and know what to expect. Springing things on him has never gone well. He does much better when we communicate about what were doing and give him warnings, that way he can anticipate that his environment is going to change.
For example, when leaving the park to go home. We give Brock a 5-minute warning and then we remind him again at 2 minutes by adding on a short conversation about what he might do in the last two minutes.
Another thing that helps is by giving him two options of how to transition. We race to bath time, hop like a bunny and crawl like a turtle.
Limits & Boundaries
Brett and I have discussed what behaviors we are ok and not ok with, that way it's clear and were consistent with Brock. When Brock starts misbehaving, a lot of the time we will ignore him (the behavior) and tell him that we're done playing with him. He hates that so ignoring has become effective. Some of Brocks behavior warrants a "time out" (yes, we practice "time out"). Being aggressive and/or physical, especially with his baby sister, we have no tolerance for that.
For example, Brock is constantly rough with his baby sister and likes to get up in her face, especially when I'm feeding her a bottle. When this happens, I will stand up and ignore him. I've also locked myself in the bathroom while feeding her. This serves as a "time out" for Brock since I'm removing myself from the situation and not allowing the behavior.
Control
I'm sure most parents of three-year-old would agree that control is the root of most issues with our child. It seems like the more we ask Brock to not do something, the more he does it. One of the toughest (and mentally exhausting) parts of dealing with a three-year-old is the amount of reverse phycology that goes into almost all parenting.
Eating. Since toddlers like to feel independent, we offer two options and let him make up his own mind. This way he feels like he has a sense of control. We also went through a phase where he would sit at the dinner table forever and not eat.
For example, Brock wouldn't eat his dinner but anytime we tried to take away his food he threw a huge tantrum and said he was hungry. This was all about control. Since then, we practice a dinner timer which has seemed to help. We give him 15 minutes to finish his dinner with 1-2 reminders that time was almost up. Once the time was up, the kitchen was closed. Sometimes the natural consequence of not eating much food was the most motivating.
Getting Dressed. Skill wise, Brock can get himself dressed. However, when were trying to fly out the door for school and need him to put his clothes on he will ignore, run away or tell us to do it as a way of trying to control the situation. Making getting dressed a game or setting smaller expectations has helped us tremendously.
For example, we started small. For a while we expected him to get his pants on consistently before practicing his shirt and so on. Another thing that helped was expecting him to get himself dressed for the day OR bedtime. Lately, we ask him to bring his school clothes by his baby sister so he can show her what a "big boy" he is getting dressed all by himself. This works almost always.
A New Sibling
Brock was three and a half when we brought his sister home. We did our best to prepare him for the new addition. We bought books and sang songs about becoming a big brother...he was genuinely excited about her arrival. Overtime a little bit of a disappointment built up in him and it's understandable. Babies can't play, laugh, or even smile in the beginning and only seem to want an endless amount of mommy and daddy's attention.
His frustration began showing through almost immediately. He can be very rough with her and we will not leave them alone together. We've seen him act out in other ways, misbehaving is the usual go-to and there are times where he acts babyish. It makes sense, he sees the attention Stevie is getting and wants some of it for himself. He has also become extremely clingy with me. We know it's all normal, but it doesn't make things easy.
For example, when Brock is being more clingy than usual I must make an effort to identify the time I spend with him as "special time" and I always tell him how much I love and cherish that time with him. We do "mommy and Brock dates" and try to let him oversee what we do together as much as possible.
Don’t be afraid to reward yourself when things go well. Happy hour! No matter what the situation, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep on moving forward even when things aren't going so well. Parenting is hard work! I wish there was a hard and fast remedy for avoiding the road bumps (the "threenager"), instead we all have to learn to enjoy the journey. Remember, we'll all look back at this time and laugh it off, right?!
XO, Shawna