6 Tips to "Get Over It"

As friends, we have had our share of ups and downs. Major arguments with friends, family, or your significant other really suck, but if you think about it, they are actually a good thing. Disagreements are important because it means that someone is not always getting their way or walking all over the other person. It means that both parties have opinions, feelings, and a voice. Having different thoughts and opinions is what makes us all beautiful. If we all thought the same way life would be soooo boring! Years ago we were roommates and had been for about 2 years consecutively and once one year prior to that. After that first year we had both moved in with boyfriends so it was an easy split. The second time we lived together is what almost ended our friendship. It wasn't living together that tore us apart, but the way the actual living situation ended. Neither of us really remember the details: A.) Because they aren't important and B.) We have both moved on and learned to forgive each other for mistakes that were made. The hard part was the in-between phase. We didn't speak at all for at least a year. It was also hard because we kept all the same mutual friends and still saw each other at group events. During these situations we were never aggressive or mean, we merely just didn't talk. We really think our friends played a huge part in getting us back together because they knew how much we loved each other and how deep our friendship had been. We appreciate them never giving up on "us" lol. We did some thinking and then discussed the specific things that really helped us get over hurt feelings and disagreements with each other, but also with other friends and family. With time we both became more mature and level headed and realized what was most important, our friendship. Those discussions are never easy, but if you really care about someone they are worth putting in the hard work.

Find out your love language

There are five ways we all express and experience love : 

Gift Giving, Quality Time, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, and Words of Affirmation.

We all "speak" one of them most fluently in each of our relationships (especially in a marriage). But we say, why stop there? A friendship is a relationship too!

We had both taken the test before and decided to share our dominant "love language" with one another. Shawna is "Words of Affirmation" and Katy is "Acts of Service," so once we learned this about one another, we could determine what the other person needs to feel loved and heard. Our communication skills improved and we both feel more understood and appreciated.

Don't know yours?

Take the quiz here. This tool is super easy and helpful to do with your significant other to achieve more effective communication.

Make a conscious decision to “let it go”.

Truly letting go of past hurts and moving on is often easier said than done. Things don’t just disappear on their own. You need to make the commitment to yourself to “let it go.” If you don’t make this conscious choice up-front, you could end up self-sabotaging any effort to move on from this past hurt.

Making the decision to “let it go” also means accepting you have a choice to “let it go”. To stop reliving the past pain, to stop going over the details of the story in your head every time you think of the other person. Give them (and yourself) a fresh start. Take it from us, beautiful things can happen when both parties decide to effectively "let it go"!

Express your pain — and your responsibility.

To effectively move on, we both had to express the pain, the hurt and how it made us feel. That doesn't necessarily mean to the person that hurt you, but you do need to get it out of your system. Whether it's venting to a friend or expressing your feelings through writing (in a journal, or writing a letter you never send to the other person.) Getting it all out helps you understand what (specifically) your hurt is all about. Properly identifying it can help prepare you to move forward effectively.It can be difficult at times to remember that we don't live in a world of black and whites, there are almost always two sides to every situation. When thinking about the hurt you experienced, could there may have been a part of the hurt that you are also partially responsible for? Thinking objectively about situations that involve yourself comes with maturity. What could you have done differently next time? Do you believe that you are an active participant in your own life, or simply a hopeless victim? Will you let your pain become your identity? Or are you someone deeper and more complex than that? Choosing to take responsibility feels good and has healing power.

Stop being the victim and blaming others.

Blaming others for our hurt is what most of us start off doing because being the victim feels good — it’s like being on the winning team of you against the world. This was the reality check.... the world doesn't care. We've learned that blaming someone else for our hurt can backfire and make us feel alone. The problem with blaming others is that it can often leave you powerless. Worse yet, if you confronted the person and they say, “No, I didn’t”, then you’re left with all this anger and hurt and no resolution. In every moment, you have that choice — to continue to feel bad about another person’s actions, or to start feeling good. You must take responsibility for your own happiness, and not put power into the hands of another person. Why would you let the person who hurt you (in the past) have so much power right now? All your feelings are legitimate. It’s important to feel them fully, and then move on. Nursing your grievances indefinitely is a bad habit, because in the end.... it hurts you more than it hurts them.

Forgive them, and yourself.

That doesn't always mean you're going to get an apology from them. For many people saying the actual words, "I'm sorry" is very difficult and can often be viewed as admitting they've done something wrong. If you can mentally forgive them it may be easier for them to admit any wrongdoing as well, the environment can then shift from feeling hostile to understanding. If you can come at it from a more understanding point of view it tends to bring down the levels of blame and anger.

Focus on the present. Focus on joy.

When you ignore the present and focus too much on the past or future, you can miss the happiness that is happening right in front of you. Boost your happiness by focusing on yourself in the here and now and be mindful of your thought patterns.

Forgiveness is a requirement for having joy in our hearts. Joy is not happiness. Happiness is temporary but joy is a state of mind. We will all have troubles that rob us of our joy, IF WE LET THEM. Joy is a choice.